BREAKING UP WITH PINTEREST........ BITCHES!!!!

 

Gone are the  days of breaking up with a face-to-face confrontation, or
keying his car or even  renting a hateful  billboard. Oh, no. Breaking up today
has to be even more creative. It's Pinterest, baby!!!! So get out the glue gun,
hoist out the craft supplies and break up  like you mean it!!!!!


YOU USED TO PUT A SPELL ON ME



Nothing says I hate your ass like a voodoo doll. I prefer ones
with bright colors, errant hair and googly eyes. They're
are easy to make and inexpensive (just like your old boyfriend)
Just take scraps of material and go for it.. Feel free to
rip up his Armani suits and silk ties. Quality counts when you
do the voodoo. Stick pins in them,
attach messages to them. He's gonna think you're crazy ....but
he's also going to be scared shitless. Hey who doesn't love a crazy
bitch, after all?

.

TIE A SNARKY BANNER 'ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE

 

 

 

 

We all know and love Pinterest for making the pendant banner a

daily pick-me-up. He saw them at your nephews birthday and
waved them for his fave sports team. He knew you had a freak flag...
but he'll be shocked as hell when he sees this one flying. Pinterest...
you. taught me well

 

 

 

NOT YOUR BIGGEST FAN THESE DAYS

 

 

 

Don't we all dream of someone fanning us gently and feeding

us grapes (peeled of course) . But if your former honey is

feeding you a line of bullshit it's time to make it known.

Make a pretty paper fan and show him you will no longer be

blowing smoke up his ass!!!

 

 

DRINK UP BITCHES WITH..... HIT THE ROAD JACK

 

 

 

Who doesn't drool over the recipes of Pinterest or wish we were

having that effortless party . But instead of wishing you had another

life...get one. Here's  a simple drink you can make and give to

him called .......HIT THE ROAD JACK. Let him drink it....tell him to

drive responsibly and take the highway to hell straight out of your life.

 

1 shot of  Jack Daniels

Sweet and Sour mix (splash)

Triple Sec

Diet Coke to taste

 

 

WITCHY WOMAN KISS OFF

 

 

 

Sometimes breaking up calls for desperate measures. Being subtle

doesn't seem to work. But you don't have to throw all his clothes

out the window or put his sports car on Craig's list. Just keep it

simple, unlike the insane relationship you've been having for the

last two years. And nothing says it better than this little message.

Buh bye!!!!!

  

SHOULD THIS REPORTER HAVE BEEN FIRED FOR HER BLOG????

 

This is Shea Allen, a reporter in Huntsville , Alabama. She recently got fired because
of her  post on her blog, Confessions of a Red Headed Reporter.

First of all, Shea, if you're a reporter your first job is to leave your own prejudices alone
and tell a story based on the fact. That's a  little hard to do when your opinions are blasted
all over  a blog.

Personally I don't give a crap that you've gone bra-less on the air. Who cares. The fact
that your best stories come from people that have a crush on you is something else I
wouldn't be advertising. Not cool.  The fact that you complained that you were
sitting in a car doing nothing getting paid as low as a McDonalds manager would
was tacky and demeaning. The final insult  was that  you actually said and I quote
"I'm frightened of old people and  refuse to do stories on them or the places they reside."
Really?

As someone who has had the privilege of being a journalist for thirty eight years I have
been so grateful to have been a part of  people's lives. I have been there at the best of times
and the worst of times. I have seen ordinary people do the extraordinary and have seen
more love and compassion than a person could ever hope to see. I have talked to mothers
whose children were dying and death row inmates that were scheduled to be executed
the next day.I have also seen evil so terrifying that it made my skin crawl.

I have seen old people, yes,  Shea old people, with an unbelievable dignity and stories
that would make you weep . That's the pay- back for being a reporter. Obviously you're
missing out. Yes, one day, you too will be an old lady and perhaps you might even be
working at McDonalds. Frankly I would have fired your ass too.

But here's the thing...she's being interviewed by the national news media and will probably
end up on her feet with a six figure salary. Go figure!!!!!

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTERISTIC IN A WOMAN???YOU'LL BE SUPRISED!!!

OH BABY!!!!

A poll just came out from Sixty Minutes and Vanity Fair....two partners you
wouldn't really think of together. They asked men and women what they thought
were the most important female traits. Here they are...and they WILL surprise
you.


38% Being a Good Mom
30% Brains
18% Sense of Humour
3% Ability to cook
3% Healthy sex drive
2% Physical Beauty

Not really buying this. Hooray ...they like brainy women. Kudos that a sense of
humour is a big thing...but seriously we are talking about men and they have
physical beauty and a health sex drive as the bottom two characteristics. Am I
in some alternative universe here? or did women tear up all the men's answers?
This is crazy. What do you think

Of course when they asked women they had one simple request.....40 year old doctor
who was a moderate drinker that looked like Patrick Dempsey. Now that poll I can
believe!!!

THE GRANDMA NAME GAME....HAVE YOU PICKED YOUR MONIKER YET?

I WILL NOT ANSWER TO MEE-MAH!!!

My sarcastic, hilariously funny first born told me decades ago that
when he had children, he would tell them to call me Mee-Mah. This is
a major threat . I take this as seriously as global warming and the government
spying on my cell phone. Whaaaat!!!! I'm no Mee-mah. I still like the
feel of the wind whipping my hair in a convertible and I can still grove a
move or to on the dance floor.  OMG this is a big big threat.

So to pull a fast one on him and get prepared for the inevitable I decided I
would name myself. Hey, I work in tv. I'm creative. I checked around with
lots of other people and apparently I'm not alone. My sister in law hit a
home run straight away when her granddaughters started calling her cha-cha...
sounds alomost like Zsa Zsa, as in  Gabor. Not bad.  My sisters step grandkids
call her Granny B. I see a rap song with that one Then I found out Kim
Kardashians mom, Kris,  decided she would be called "lovey. Of course she did.

It's funny really. A good friend Terri, decided she would be Bon-Bon. Who
wouldn't love that!! Then there's Happy, and Bebe, and Momo and Mamma Jamma
( I think that's one of my aerobic songs), Momsy, Noni, Snuggums and Honey
are also Grandma names.

Of course there's the traditional way to go. My mum is English ...so it's Nana. Then
there's Abuela, Grandmere, Nonna and a hosts of names that proudly display the
families ethnic background. Then there's the hip way to go.

Sometimes things can go downhill fast ,though. Take for example my othe sister-in-law
and her partner Katrina.  They wanted their granddaughters to call the Sitti (Lebanese
word for Grandmother) and CoCo . The son quickly pointed out that the kids would
probably end up calling them Shitty and Caca. I crack up everytime  I think of that one.

Maybe I'm a little premature. I am way into Grandma age...but not one of my kids is
even dating anyone that seriously. It is a parade of grifriends and boyfriends. I have
stopped getting too attached. Relationships don't always work out and my heart is
broken once again. LOL.

I've put my name on reserve (just in case). It's top secret. And truthfully when it comes
down to it, it probably won't even matter what they call you. But just in case
Mee-Mah is off the table.

What's your Grandma name???

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!!

THUNDER CHEERLEADER DOES NOT DESERVE THIS!!

How is it that one minute you're a newly married, ambitious young woman
with the talent and nerve to get out and cheer in front on thousands of
screaming Thunder fans...and the next minute you are the center of
controversy. That's how it rolls for Thunder Cheerleader Kelsey Williams.

A Rockets blog thought this cheerleader might be too chunky...and the
next thing you know CBS Houston is taking a poll. Are you freakin' kidding
me? She looks great to me....and I think ever boomer in the world would
say the same. Have we really stooped to such a low level that we feel
entitled to comment on an obviously well trained and toned young lady.

I was sitting in church this morning and I got a call from a network that
wanted me to track her down. Oh perfect. That's one tricky little interview
from someone who hasn't seen a cheerleader skirt in five decades. Wow
people are cruel. She decided not to talk so the interview got cancelled.
Smart girl.

Let this die folks. lets talk about last nights Thunder game. Lets cheer on
the people who ran in the Oklahoma City and DC marathons today. Let's
mind our own business when it comes to someones midsection. Unless
you happen to be a Victoria's secret model or a Chippendale's dancer --shut the
fuck up. There I've said it.

ARE YOU EVER TOO OLD FOR ROCK AND ROLL?????

 

Went to a concert the other night to see Bon Jovi.. I have to be honest

..... I was not a huge fan....but everyone else in the screaming venue

certainly was. I'm not sure how I missed all those bands in the 80's and 90's.

 Maybe because I was too busy changing diapers and doing  the carpool run

and trying to  work enough to keep my head aligned.

 

Who knows? My music was the sixties and seventies. That's the music

 I fell in love to....(over and over) and the music I drank my first beer to,

and the music my friends and I would dance on tables to ....and sing along

with in convertibles  at the top of our lungs. That music speaks to me...and
I can totally see how Bon Jovi, Journey, and Aerosmith speak to this younger
audience.

 

At the Bon Jovi concert my biggest thrill was having a hard time looking

through the binoculars because Latisse was really  working on my eyelashes.

(that's another post).  No seriously, great concert. Sorry I missed ya' in the 80's
and 90's. And my compliments. You and  Richie Sambora rock.

 

Seriously though, when are you too old for concerts and rock-n-roll? I say

never. But here are a few thoughts.

 

You are too old for going to concerts if......

 

You spend the entire concert with your binoculars  trying to determine if

the musicians have had  face lifts and are wearing wigs.

 

 You look at their feet to see if their wearing orthopaedic shoes.

 

Loud?...what are they talking about? Sounded fine to me.

 

You count the number of glasses of water they drink,  and breaks they have.

How do they do it?? 

(Please add your own criteria.)

 

 

Personally I will be too old to go to concerts when I'm dead.

ROCK AND ROLL FOREVER!!!!!!

Watch out for the "Heathers"!!!!

Do you remember the movie "Heathers" where a group of mean bitchy popular
girls created mayhem?. It was dark wicked entertainment. But I've notice that
the padded shouldered-big-haired Heather girls are now older and
incredibly disrespectful and yes, still bitchy.

In the tv business, thank God, I work mainly with men. The women in tv are for
the most part the kind of women who work with men and are pretty mellow. The
World of Men is pretty drama free. No one cries, has fits or is a tattle tale. No
one gossips about anyone else and if you're wrong , no one makes a big deal
about it. It is sheer heaven.

But those Heathers, unfortunately they still manage to creep into my life . The other day a
baseball hat , sweat pant wearing Heather that walks around my "hood" pointed
out to me that my rescue lab (who has disappearing issues) was sitting outside
my house and wouldn't come in. Duh, as if  I didn't know that. But she proceeded to tell
me that my lab scared people. I asked her if he had ever bothered her and she said no,
but she saw a child who was scared and she was going to tell the police. Really?
You know she was that girl no one liked that always had to tell the teacher.


Then in Vegas, for a friends birthday, we went to the spa. The Heather at the
desk told us we were late and we couldn't do this and we couldn't do that. Just to make
sure our fun outing was going to be ruined. My friend Terri bitched them out and told
them we were spending a lot of money and she didn't like her attitude. Seriously Heather,
we are so sorry you have a job you don't like, and I'm sure you're not making the hundred
thousand a year you think you deserve. But we were all waitresses and retail clerks in
college. Get over it.

My third Heather moment was a pr person at a local business that I contacted to do
a story for a syndication feed that goes out to stations all over the country and  is
viewed by millions of people. She wasn't really interested because they didn't have enough
stations in a certain area. "Oh yes," I said,"I can certainly understand why you
wouldn't want millions of people to view your experts." WTF....is she really that
stupid?

I don't want to say Heathers are just in their thirties. There are a lot of fantastic
women in that age group. And there are Heathers everywhere. But I do notice that  the
Heathers have some common characteristic....zero  ability to look outside the box...
the concept that the customer is always right, and mind-your-own-business.

I make tons of mistakes, we all do, but I  know the value of an apology and of being
grateful.  Do you have a Heather moment to share? Love to hear it.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE PROM QUEENS GONE?

DO YOU EVER REALLY LEAVE HIGH SCHOOL?

Did you sit at the cool kids table in high school surrounded by the popular kids?…or did
you sit alone wondering when the prom queen or hunky jock was finally going to recognize
you? You have to admit you knew exactly who you were in high school. You knew your
place. High School for many was the equivalent to sticking a knitting needle in your eye
socket and going to bed with a migraine. New studies from Rutgers indicate that high school
is indeed a sadistic institution which shapes us forever. Was it?

We all know that maneuvering within the social confines of a high school society is a little like penetrating a secret cult. Chances are that prom queen never did see beyond the metal mouth
and the slight brush of acne. The question I pose is this….do you ever leave high school? Are
you doomed for a life of quite desperation and acceptance… or a life of “what-the-hell-is-wrong
-with-these-people….I was in the popular clique?”

I’ve been asking this question for years and have gotten the most incredible answers. Some
people are true professional successes who never feel good enough and others are still
waiting for life to hand them the prizes they feel entitled to.  High School is pretty much
a common experience. But can you leave it behind and get on with your life? I thought I
did. I loved high school until my Air Force dad brought us from England to the Bible Belt.
So I can see both sides.

I began researching high school several years ago with my former CNN colleague and good
friend Joanne Lechleiter. We took a survey and took a look at the common groups and
experiences we had in the sixties and seventies. You know, the cheerleaders, the jocks,
the bad boys, the bandies….and of course, the prom queens. We were so fascinated we wrote a screenplay...with the obvious title Where Have All the prom Queens gone.

So brush off those tiaras and football trophies , clarinets and leather jackets. Class is in
Session .This is your time. I will be blogging a weeks worth of high school.So please
send me your horror stories, your tears, your wtf moments.

IT'S WEDNESDAY --SO YOU SHOULD LOOK LIKE CRAP!!!

A new study came out today that say that women look their worst on
Wednesdays.Yep, Wednesdays. So I guess we can cruise through the
rest of the week with no worries.  This was splashed all over the media
 as if it were a new finding by the Center of Disease Control. And God
 knows if you hear it on mainstream media in the morning it must be true.
I say that tongue-in-cheek since I work for the mainstream media. But
then I'm also working on a country and western reality show called I'm A
Star...and an indie movie called Army of Frankensteins, so what do I know?

I do know that the study was done by St. Tropez tanning lotion. Seriously
how reliable can that be? How do they test this...parading 24 year old Brazillian
bombshells in thongs  on the beach to see their whistle potential?. As if. Let me
tell you, St. Tropez, here is the true test. Take one woman , add a baby with cholic
and a fourth  grader who has to make a catapult for Medievil Day and you'll
see that Monday is just as good a day for looking like shit as a Wednesday.

I looked at myself today...and exactly at three thirty as the study suggested. I was
like WTF....I'm alive and walking. I can still bend down without passing out, I still
have hair and my mind is still somewhat sharp. Hey I am good to go.  So take that
St. Tropez.

There are a few flaws in your theory...like does that hour of ghastly doom reflect time
 zones...or do we have a wave of women in time zones looking ugly . Sort of like the
wave at an NBA game. or maybe it's like on Seinfeld where we look good in some
light  and bad in another.

After all...I was perfect once and so were you . One day when we were  nineteen and
we were stunningly perfect. Too bad we didn't even know it. And I bet that was on a
Wednesday at exactly three thirty.

OH HELL NO!!!!

 I nearly died last week when I saw people ( men, women and children)

out and about in pajama bottoms. Seriously. How damn lazy do you have to be to wear your Hello Kitty fuzzy pajama bottoms to the Mall. I've even seen some fashionistas with matching bunny slippers. Who are these people? And why oh why would they want to look like they just rolled out of bed. Unless you're a Victoria's Secret model , nobody should look like they just rolled out of bed.

What's even worse is that the fluffy p.j.'s drag on the floor and they look dirty and unkept. I am perplexed. Promise me people, you won't take your pajama rama bottoms out of the country. Americans are the worst dressed people on the planet in the eyes of every Italian/Brit/German/Brazilian/Spaniard/well let's just be real and say everyone.

We can't ignore it any longer. Harrods in London used to have a ban on women  wearing tights as bottoms. Any not many bottoms, believe me, can pull off that look. Then came sweatpants. And unless you are a jock in between games you have no business in those either. Come on people, they aren't that comfy, and they look like shit.

Let me tell you what comfy is . Comfy is a great pair of Eileen Fisher skinny leg pants with a great sweater or tunic. Comfy is looking good enough that if you died in a plane crash or a piano fell on your head....people would stay "oh she looked so stylish." Our age group can't afford to be badly groomed or sloppy. Not that I don't look like crap (probably a lot more than I'd care to admit)  from time to time. But it's amazing what a great pair of sunglasses and fabulous accessories can do to hide it.

Listen here PJ fans. While you are sashaying around looking like Walmart on crack, being quite the rebel without a cause ( other than being offensive) , I am scoring a free upgrade to a first class ticket on an international flight. True story Enough said.

 

 



THE NAUGHTY SIDE OF THE HOLIDAYS

Sometimes I just can't resist these things. They are so outrageous, they
simply make me laugh. Which one is your fave?











Can't believe I'm posting this last one. Let's give a little hand to the
creative, sick minds at www.bluntcards.com

JUST BECAUSE I CAN!!!!

THANKSMAS? ????

The turkey is thawing in the fridge and the table is set with the Spode turkey plates for the annual family Thanksgiving. Lots of family and a few strays.On the menu is a hodge podge of traditional Thanksgiving fare with a little Lebanese, some Mexican  and a sprinkling of Rule Britannia. It's a toast to our combined heritage of Lebanese , Mexican and British.  It's the United Nations on crack. Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving better than one side of the family that came through Ellis Island, the British side that came as a war bride and the Mexican side that probably swam across the Rio Grande. Plus we'll be missing my brother and his family who live in the Ukraine. Told you. We are quite the international conglomeration.

But in spite of the pimped out heritage, we have pumpkins and turkeys, mums and golden hues of orange, gold , green and brown  Add to that some killer Bloody Mary's .We all agree that we are privileged to be Americans and we celebrate it like there's no tomorrow. No decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving on my watch !!!! Thanksgiving is too good of a holiday not to be celebrated on it's own merit. so why, why, do these people eat their pumpkin pie surrounded by angels and Santa's? That's just wrong.

I hate driving through neighborhoods where the homeowners are confused . Christmas and Thanksgiving decor come together like an unholy alliance. It's the mullet of seasons, Thanksgiving in the front and Christmas in the back.  Pumpkins on one porch and elves peaking down from the rooftop. a mishmash of Turkey Trot and Silent Night. WTF. I love Thanksgiving...no gifts, just food and companionship. So while I am throwing out my pumpkins tomorrow and you have already set up your Christmas table, you might be a little smug and I might just be a tiny bit jealous. But tonight I'm just ready for  Thanksgiving. No Christmas allowed!!!


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 

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