WHAT IF SHAKESPEARE WAS SEXTING!!!

 

 

One can only imagine how the great literary giants would have

sounded today. There's something about words like thine...and

my beloved that send a shiver down any woman's spine. They

just don't make them like they used to.

 

But what if...just imagine ...Shakespeare with an iphone....or Emily

Dickinson on Twitter. Here are some hilarious verses and their

modern text translations. Found these in MORE magazine. Good

work!

 

 

William Shakespeare:

Shall I compare thee to a sumer day

SEXT: U R so hot!!!!!

 

Robert Louis Stevenson:

...shadowing the complexity of that game of consequences

to which we all sit down.

SEXT: WTF R U sure it's mine?

 

Anne Bradstreet:

I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold

SEXT: OK w prenup

 

Robert Lovelace:

True, a new mistress now I chase.

SEXT: Dumping u

 

Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

SEXT: I wanna tie u up, spank u,  lick ur arms

legs, face and toes

 

and here's my contribution......

W.B. YEATS
Wine Comes in the Mouth
And Love Comes in the Eyes.
SEXT: Three martinis and U R a Babe

IT'S WEDNESDAY --SO YOU SHOULD LOOK LIKE CRAP!!!

A new study came out today that say that women look their worst on
Wednesdays.Yep, Wednesdays. So I guess we can cruise through the
rest of the week with no worries.  This was splashed all over the media
 as if it were a new finding by the Center of Disease Control. And God
 knows if you hear it on mainstream media in the morning it must be true.
I say that tongue-in-cheek since I work for the mainstream media. But
then I'm also working on a country and western reality show called I'm A
Star...and an indie movie called Army of Frankensteins, so what do I know?

I do know that the study was done by St. Tropez tanning lotion. Seriously
how reliable can that be? How do they test this...parading 24 year old Brazillian
bombshells in thongs  on the beach to see their whistle potential?. As if. Let me
tell you, St. Tropez, here is the true test. Take one woman , add a baby with cholic
and a fourth  grader who has to make a catapult for Medievil Day and you'll
see that Monday is just as good a day for looking like shit as a Wednesday.

I looked at myself today...and exactly at three thirty as the study suggested. I was
like WTF....I'm alive and walking. I can still bend down without passing out, I still
have hair and my mind is still somewhat sharp. Hey I am good to go.  So take that
St. Tropez.

There are a few flaws in your theory...like does that hour of ghastly doom reflect time
 zones...or do we have a wave of women in time zones looking ugly . Sort of like the
wave at an NBA game. or maybe it's like on Seinfeld where we look good in some
light  and bad in another.

After all...I was perfect once and so were you . One day when we were  nineteen and
we were stunningly perfect. Too bad we didn't even know it. And I bet that was on a
Wednesday at exactly three thirty.

GIRLS: THE PREQUEL

WHAT A SEVENTIES VERSION OF GIRLS WOULD LOOK LIKE




Congrats to Lena Dunham and the HBO hit Girls. It's very today about
single girls out of school living their lives. Very real...almost  embarrassingly
real. I was just wondering what a series in the seventies would have been like.
I'm sure equally ghastly in terms of too much information. I was living in a
garage apartment with my friends. All of us launching our careers...not that there
was a big choice. Essentially you could be a teacher, a nurse or a special ed teacher.
I wanted to be a journalist and my first job was in public relations.

We wore Famolare shoes and ate tuna casserole.No one exercised and I don't
 remembers anyone mentioning the word carbohydrate. We were thin because we
were young, and poor. We depended on guys taking us out to eat.  Those were
the days when guys payed for dates. If you wanted to woo a girl you had to show
her a good time, and believe me that involved food.

Everyone had body hair, no metrosexuals and most guys had facial hair of some
kind. We weren't obsessed with having nails done and eyebrows plucked. We did
that ourselves. I don't think anyone had a facial. the first one I ever had in my life
was doing a story for television. We weren't really pampered. No one seemed to
have parents who would give them an allowance that would cover the kind of
grooming we expect today.

We weren't over medicated  Sure we may have smoked a little weed or popped
someones Mom's diet pills before an exam, but we weren't on anti-depressants
and sleeping pills. We weren't medically cossetted like rare birds. Our moms told
us to take an aspirin for cramps and we did. It was tough out there.

We didn't feel entitled
Seriously, many  of us were the first women in our families to get a college
education. We were either on student loans or like today's kids, our
parents had to suck it up and pay for our education. I felt very grateful and
empowered to be a college graduate. Today it just doesn't have that  cachet.
I didn't expect to be treated like a princess ...ever. I worked my ass off to
prove myself. There weren't any fabulous and expected semesters  abroad or
cool internships in movie studios .

Relationships were Painful
Wow. That's where the Girls have it right. Relationships were just as hard in
the seventies as they are now. We were single women  right at the beginning
of the sexual revolution and it was confusing. I do think we had a little
more pride. These young women seem to accept less from men, and have
to give a lot more than we would have.

We Didn't Live in the Public Limelight
With I-phones and twitter, Facebook and face time, everything these women
do now could appear anywhere. Back in the day you could be 100% sure no
one was taking you judging you and there was no chance of your Grandma
seeing you drunk on Facebook.

Work it Girls. It's rough and you have , as they say, the best of times, and the worst
of times. Wouldn't wanna be you. But then again you would never have wanted
to be me with that Farah Faucett hair, lips the color of a latte and a boyfriend that looked
like a Ken doll..

BETTER THAN SEX CAKE!!!

You have really got to have faith in a recipe to elevate it to this status.
Being the ever curious....and totally awful desert maker I decided that I
would give this a try. My philisophy on desert is simple...if I don't bake pies
and cookies, then I won't eat them. I'll just eat the pies and cookies that
everyone else makes. Makes sense, right?

I wasn't the Mom who had a home filled with th wafting aroma of cinammon
and vanilla. I wouldn't whip up a cake or a pie for anyones birthday. I was
the Mom who was more concerned with the smell of garlic and olive oil.
Who had time to mess with sugary concoctions. Of course I knew where to
buy the best deserts ever, and I had a couple of recipes like fruit pizza and
oreo ice cream sundae pie that made my kids drool.

But I dabble now. I mean as adults we have to come up with a few recipes
your kids are gonna wanna have. So here's someone else's recipe. I stole this
from the darling site Barefootandbaking.blogspot.com Don't  all these young
gals seem to be so great at everything?.

I always say, if your going to steal ...steal from the best. I made it...and it's
great and fairly easy.

Better Than Sex Cake1 box chocolate cake mix (+ whatever it calls for on the back)
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1 jar hot fudge sauce
1-8 oz container of cool whip
4  Heath Bar)

Make and bake cake according to box directions in a 9x13 in pan. As soon as it comes out of the oven, poke holes with the handle of a wooden spoon all over the cake. Pour sweetened condensed milk over the top. Let cool completely. Next spread fudge over the cake, and put in the fridge to set. When it is cool, spread coolwhip over the top and then top with crushed score bars. Refrigerate leftovers. I like this cake better the next day as the cake gets more moist.

 

SCORING SWAG BECAUSE YOU"RE A BOOMER

It had to happen. It was inevitable. Along with the pesky crows feet and the thinning hairline
comes that little gem called "We Gets It Cuz' We're Old." You may not be familiar with this
phenomenon...but believe me there has to be some kind of  payoff doesn't there?

For those of you who shave off ten years, well you'll just have to wait. because believe me
it's going to happen to you eventually. Some day you are going to be forced to say you're sixty.
For the rest of us it's a gleeful song.  Hot damn, I get some respect, and that respect doesn't
come from your family or your colleagues. It comes from some tortured twenty year old with
multiple tattoos and piercings. Or those bug ear things that make your ears stretch. Whaaaa...
They won't even know they're showing you respect. they just give it to you. Do you care...hells no.

That respect comes in the color of green. the dollars you are saving because you're getting older.
I have absolutely no problem in getting my movie tickets with a senior discount. Of course I keep
secretly hoping someone will jump up and say...No! You can't have the senior discount...you are
way too young. No one has done this yet.....believe me, but I live with hope.
So here's how you can score the swag....

Movies I already mentioned movies. It's a given With all the crap out there the dscounts should be bigger. But...I'm cool with my half price ticket.

Restaurants Ok...not a big fan of eating at four. But you can always have a late lunch.
McDonalds will give you a nice big cup of their roasted Joe for 35 cents. Cha-ching. Lots
of other chains give senior discounts too...like Burger King...Chili's , Applebee's. Not
my faves but what the heck. It's the principal.

Stores I have actually used this ploy from time to time. Actually sometimes you can cop a
compliment in the bargain,. What...you couldn't possibly be over 55?. Love it. And you can
get a serious ten percent discount on Tuesdays at Ross for example . Worth checking out
the stores you shop at.Be prepared for everyone to stare at you and scrutinize your face, your hair your clothes. This is the litmus test ladies.

Cheap Rides Traveling you will run into train and bus discounts. Always ask. You can't be embarrassed about this. This is the payoff. Also check out car rentals when you can get an AARP discount and sometimes Jiffy Lube and other car repair and maintenance companies offer the
deal.

Travel Southwest Airlines gives boomer 65 and older a discount. Hotels often do. check it out.


I'm sure there lots more out there and I will be searching that out for us. Remember keep your
head high and say ...repeat after me. I want the senior discount/. Boo-yah.

Tell me your tips!!!! Or tell me what you think should be discounted. That could be fun.

OH HELL NO!!!!

 I nearly died last week when I saw people ( men, women and children)

out and about in pajama bottoms. Seriously. How damn lazy do you have to be to wear your Hello Kitty fuzzy pajama bottoms to the Mall. I've even seen some fashionistas with matching bunny slippers. Who are these people? And why oh why would they want to look like they just rolled out of bed. Unless you're a Victoria's Secret model , nobody should look like they just rolled out of bed.

What's even worse is that the fluffy p.j.'s drag on the floor and they look dirty and unkept. I am perplexed. Promise me people, you won't take your pajama rama bottoms out of the country. Americans are the worst dressed people on the planet in the eyes of every Italian/Brit/German/Brazilian/Spaniard/well let's just be real and say everyone.

We can't ignore it any longer. Harrods in London used to have a ban on women  wearing tights as bottoms. Any not many bottoms, believe me, can pull off that look. Then came sweatpants. And unless you are a jock in between games you have no business in those either. Come on people, they aren't that comfy, and they look like shit.

Let me tell you what comfy is . Comfy is a great pair of Eileen Fisher skinny leg pants with a great sweater or tunic. Comfy is looking good enough that if you died in a plane crash or a piano fell on your head....people would stay "oh she looked so stylish." Our age group can't afford to be badly groomed or sloppy. Not that I don't look like crap (probably a lot more than I'd care to admit)  from time to time. But it's amazing what a great pair of sunglasses and fabulous accessories can do to hide it.

Listen here PJ fans. While you are sashaying around looking like Walmart on crack, being quite the rebel without a cause ( other than being offensive) , I am scoring a free upgrade to a first class ticket on an international flight. True story Enough said.

 

 



NEW YEAR...NEW YOU...NEW THEM!!!!!

They may be grown....they may have their own lives. But  let's
face it, we're still trying to please them. Oh sure....we act like it
doesn't bother us when they say "Gee you people are getting old,"
or "isn't that a little young for you?" Yikes, that hurts.

And we still cringe when they don't like our gifts. You can read
it in their faces, even if they are borderline botox. Are we ever going
to get over this business of trying to make the holidays their  fantasy
moments of yester year. Let's face it they were bombed out on sugar
high when they were little. They were pretty easy to fool and impress.
We were the heroes that brought them this magical extravaganza called
Christmas. Can't we give it up now. Is it time yet?

Wish it was for me. Wish I didn't keep a list that would impress Nancy
Pelozi with every penny spent on each kid. Even if they are buying
their own homes and cars I still worry if I spent ten dollars more on one
of them This is insane!!!

Does anyone else do this? Does anyone even care. When does this
insanity stop. Well maybe...possibly.....perhaps...2013.
next year....... .